The "D" word

****Disclaimer-This is a very personal post. I ask you to be respectful in your comments. Thanks*****

When I say the "D" word, what does that make you think? Just the fact that I didn't say the word makes it sound bad, right? Like it is a curse word or taboo? Well the word is DEPRESSION and no, it isn't a bad word or something to be ashamed of!

This is a realization that I am just recently coming to. I have struggled with depression for many years and not talked about it to anyone, save a very few people. Why is this? Because to so many people depression is looked at as something for weak people, something that you can change or something that people just don't talk about.

I recently stumbled across the blog of someone I knew only a little,  but finding that blog has had such a huge impact on my life. I dare say it has even changed my life, not to sound corny. In this blog she bravely spoke of her struggle with depression and as I read it I felt like someone had written down exactly what I had felt for so long but had struggled putting into words. I was amazed by her bravery and frankness. From there I knew I had to get to know her better and I am thankful for her in so many ways. I don't even know if she reads this blog but I hope she knows how much she means to me.

Looking back on my life, I know I have struggled with my mood such for many years but it hit me the hardest during my first pregnancy and went down hill from there. I went from doctor to doctor trying to find help. I have been told everything from there is nothing to wrong to I am bipolar. Been counseled, had medicine just thrown at me and scooted out the door and many things in between.

Life with depression is like a roller coaster. Constant ups and downs, praying that the ride will end. Different treatments work for different people, and the journey to find what works for you can be very painful. Things don't start working overnight and sometimes you wonder if you will ever feel "normal". I have gone from blaming myself, to blaming genetics and then just hating life.

The worst time for me was when Dave was gone. Seven long months of being pregnant, being on bed rest, being a single mom, and being alone. Plus hormones....

Sure most of the time I told everyone that I was fine, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted to be the strong army wife that handles separation fine. But inside I was crumbling. Crying everyday, hardly able to take care of my kids and becoming suicidal. There I said it, the "S" word. Yes I was to the point that I thought about suicide. But I was too afraid to ask for help. I couldn't say anything to Dave because he needed to focus and really what could he do about it so far away? My doctor saw the signs, almost didn't let me leave his office one day. But to my own fault, I have gotten really good at putting on a good face and acting like things are fine. I feel like I have done that my whole life, put on the mask and hidden who I am and what I feel.
Thankfully after I had my baby and the sun came out I was able to feel a little better. Not healed in anyway, trust me! But able to cope better, at least until Dave got home.

Fast forward to finding my friend's blog. After I read it and connected so well, we slowly started becoming friends and she has shared many things that have helped her. I have started going to yoga and that has become like a lifeline to me. Yes it is a good workout but to me it is so much more. I have learned to meditate and calm my emotions. When I get all fired up or something else, yoga helps me so much. Plus it is so great for me to just get out of the house and have quiet time. I have also learned to not keep so many things inside of me, because they just get worse. Eating healthy and excerise is huge! I have been told that for so long but I never listened. I have finally taken that advise and it makes such a difference.

For something, depression might be a one time event, for others it is a lifelong battle. I am the latter. It comes and goes, but never goes away completely. No matter how much help I am getting or doing things right, I can feel it lurking right under the surface. I have to constantly keep watch and sometimes life gets the best of me and I have a "down" week. It has taken me a long hard time to get to this point and I am thankful for the help and support I have gotten. It isn't something I openly talk about because so many people can be very judgmental. So many people thing it is something you can will away. Just be happy they say. They don't understand how much I wish it was that easy. Depression is a disease, not a state of mind.